who if not we.

i dont wanna leave that to be my recentest post because all this "here's to" stuff is kinda final sounding and it makes me sad. i've had a lot of goodbyes lately and I really didnt want to add to them.
In fact I'm not even going to talk about today or whatever.

Instead. I am going to write my bucket list.

1)Go to Holland.
2)Tour Europe. Including but not limited to Ireland Scotland Italy.
3)Skydive.
4)A long roadtrip with Friends. With lots of stops.
5)I want to blow smoke rings.
6)Play good acoustic guitar.
7)I wanna surf again.
8)go very fast in a car. very fast.
9)have my name and someone else's carved in a tree. you know, classic like.
10)Finish my quilt.
11)Own a gold fish with big eyes, like Rach/Jen's.

Well thats the first bucket list I've ever written in my whole entire life. I suppose it needs more work. Well it was off the top of my head anyway.
I also would like to find my old seatbelt guitar strap. It's been lost.
And right now, I wanna sleep.

Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears (i) knew (i'd) cry
Here's to goodbye--tomorrow's gonna come too soon
I want to stay, not to go.
Can't I stay an hour or two or more?
(eve 6, "here's to tonight")

Here's to my kids who went through with me. high five Trotter--here's to smoke, flames and friends and laughter.
here's to the adventures.
here's to the cars slipping down hills and across snow.
here's to jen, rachel, b-pain, trotstar, knight, noland, antkowiak, simon, halverdamn, libby, halverson, jessie, mitch and james.
here's to the kids that made idaho... idaho.

cuz there is no tomorrow, just some picture perfect day to last a whole lifetime
and it never ends cuz all we have to do is hit rewind
so lets just stay in the moment, smoke some (weed), drink some wine,
reminisce, talk some shit forever young is in your mind
leave a mark that can never erase me neither space nor time
so when the director yells cut, I’ll be fine, I’m forever young…

Fear not when, fear not why, fear not much while were alive,
life is for living not living up tight,
see ya somewhere up in the sky.
(jay-z)

yeah, we live on. we be jammin.
here's to mitch. here's to anthony.
here's to alec and staab.
here's to robin.
here's to jen & rach.
here's to knit muffin and trottstar.
you guys made this last week all i could wish for.

there is no way i can say goodbye.
don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
dr. seuss.

added to my list of happiness.

the white stripes. oh yeah.

how about i update you on all my obsessions.

i will. only it's only really going to make me happy. haha. maybe i'll post something more interesting later. meebee.

as i'm watching a street car named desire...
vivian leigh who acts blanch dubois. she talks in this airy voice and talks all the time. fast, and unstopping. constantly. and she laughs and brushes everything serious off her shoulder and laughs it off.
somehow, i think we're supposed to be sorry for her.
but i just want to rip her head off.
i'm only watching it because marlon brando is in it.

i dont think i've ever appreciated silence so much as i do now that i can't hear her voice anymore.

not that you guys care hah well its late and i cant sleep so i guess thats what. and now! you have the thought update!

10 things i'm obsessed with right now

1) rugby.
i'm looking up teams and scores and history and all that and i'm dying to watch a game but dont know where to look. meh.

2) marlon brando.
watching A Street Car Named Desire right now actually. i am adding him to my favourites now. speaking of-- vivian leigh annoys me so much more in this movie than she did in gone with the wind. mm anyway, marlon brando mm.

3) jim morrison
yes please.

4) pete townshend
yes please. i've been listening to alot of the doors and the who and they are also added to my list of favourites. love it.

5) james dean
well when is he not on my obsession.

6) steve mcqueen
i forgot how awesome he is.

7) teapots
i got a new teapot today from Rachel & Jen. it is white. it is an elephant! it is just what i wanted. today i used the teapot katy got me...where you put this flower bud in it and it'll bloom. cool concept. so i tried it out and it unfolded in the teapot and got huge and it scared me. it looked like a spider. or something. but it tasted very light. like... you were tasting a scent. thats the only way i've been able to describe it. but it is still super cool.

There are some things that inevitably refresh me:
cutting my nails
turning in a paper.

Yes, the paper is written. I even did it despite work. No Chinese will keep me from Greece.

Water is another refreshing thing lately. Mostly because I never drink water because water is for fishes (the wisdom that has been repeated for me from my grandparents as long as I can remember. Dont drink water, drink wine. Or Orange Juice, if you must.). But fishes seem to have a good life. I want a good life.
Ergo.

My crummy little guitar sits in the corner beside me. For as crummy as it is, it's growing on me. It's dusty. Don't take it personal, please. The other crummy guitar sits on the other corner, only it's dusty because I did use it and I has a broken string and I can't get the tab thing out to change them.
yes, I am weak.

You know what I hate? I hate that my world gets shattered really easily. Last year I found out that a Barracuda was infact a FISH and not a snake. All this time of hearing Heart's song and I totally thought that it was a snake. No one understands how I think it was a snake because they've always known it was a fish. But if they hadn't known what it was, and I said, "Barracuda" I bet they'd think of a snake. And I hate that "spelt" isn't a word. And there's so many others. And that's why people dont think I should talk or spell at all, because no matter the language, it never works for me.
But darn it, I know WWII code pretty darn well.

I came up with an analogy the other day. See my life is pretty booked. I'm not as able to be spontaneous as I'm used to being. It's hard, having to alter part of my personality. Thus, NSA is trying to change my personality, my way of life. NSA is doing to me what the US did to the Indians-- giving me beads in exchange for my tepee and tomohawk, it's making me a school boy instead of a warrior.
even though i am a squaw.
squaw no get firewood, SQUAW GO HOME.
And how fitting is it that I go home on Thanksgiving? Thanksgiving is a time when we be generous to Indians, or whoever inhabited our land before us. I'm pretty sure they were Russian, but no Russian ever taught my family how to plant corn.
Ergo.

As Pocahontus says, Wingape.

And yes, she spelt it just like that.

Subliminal Messaging

I'm offended. Ok so those people who know even a little bit about me, know that Latin is the plague of my life. I can't even complain about how much I hate it. And you know what? Someone who I hang out with fairly often did an interview thing, and it said, "What does Ashley Hoogendam do when she is bored?" And do you know what he answered?! "Sleep. Or do latin." WHAT. LATIN. Yah, he seriously said that. I'm so offended.
so hoist up the john b sails
I just came back from watching the guys of my school (and some extras, some grads, some alum's) play Pumpkin Rugby. I respect Rugby. I respect those who play Rugby. It's full of blood, bruises and boys (sorry, had to get another B word in there). What's not to like hahaha. (yah, that doesn't sound like me does it haha) It was cold. But this time, no one got sent to the Hospital. What Rugby game DOESN'T end with someone in the hospital? I feel jipped. I want to see real Rugby some time. With a real rugby ball, without Pumpkins. I like their shirts. and their socks. It might be one of my favourite sports now. I even watch it on Youtube. That and soccer and some football.
see how the main sail sets
I'm translating the Bible from Latin into English. And the angels weep for me.
--Ironic--
call up the captain ashore and let me go home
My life has been boring. I dont even get the random horror moments of killing spiders. Yah, I know, my house doesn't even produce spiders. You know what else, it doesn't produce warmth either. I LIVE in sweaters and electric blankets. And you know what else? The skies blessed us with snow a couple days ago. Yah, snow. It was October then.
i wanna go home
I didnt even do anything for Halloween.
why don't they let me go home?
Thanksgiving, I call thy name.
I feel so broke up, I wanna go home.

When the past becomes the present. And then you start living yesterday's future.

So yesterday I had 2.5 hours of sleep, thank you Latin. But then, like every Thursday, after experiencing hell, came home to my equivalent of heaven: nap time. Yes, nap time. Five hours of it. And then we had people over and talked in Latin for 1.something hours. Then I played guitar. Then I went over to the guy's house and studied Logic and chilled and ate sour gummy worms. Turned out alright.

Want to know Latin that could be awkward (will be, actually) in English? Here you go. Ita? Ita? Scisne? Fac me.
haaaaaaaaaaa i said that once.

So academic update. I'm pretty much dying. But I believe in miracles, just like the song. And its the same old song but with a different tune since you've been gone... tra la la. Week 7 down. Week 8 looms on the horizon, like pollution. Like pollution I'm supposed to breath in, live in, and somehow not get poisoned--but if I die, everyone will know why. I forgot to wear the gas mask. But the first problem is that I even put myself in such a bad situation. It's like, Yes, I would like to spend thousands of dollars to live in a polluted place! Yah, thats what I did. Anyway so finals are this week. Kill me now.
Oh wait, I AM dead, dead to you as can be! haha yah Eminem's on the mind since my Latin teacher told us that Latin poetry is not like English poetry. Latin Poetry is more like Eminem. Crazy. And he quotes (prolly the only verse he knows) "the FCC won't let me be" and the emphasized words is more like what the Latin's do. And since there... I be refreshing my memor-Y.

Break week! A full week of Break after finals. And I go to Seattle to chill.

ANd I got a soar throat. I better not get sick. So I had tea. Tea solves all my problems. Tea and Marley.

So I live my life (eh eh eh) and I be jammin. It's late. I should go to bed. Imma be imma be. Party all night, sleep all day, throw all of my problems away my life would be eeeeeeasyyyy

I miss the peace of mind I had before all this. But this is what I got to deal with. If life were poker I'd fold about now. But as I won't (I have pride), I'm just losing money, that's all. Ante up.

Nah really life's good. I love it. School just muddles the colours of my painting abit. Favourite class: History. Easiest class: Logic/Speeches. Favourite teachers: Schlect (history) and Stokes (he's a baller) (Logic/Speeches). Worst class any way you think about it: Latin. Unopinionated: Biology. That's the long and short of it.

More where this came from. But he hasn't given me all of them. Anthony and me, Biology class. It was hard to look like I was paying attention, some of these were fun-nay.


Mitch and Anthony and me in the background. Oh yes, I do pay attention, no I'm not falling asleep. What about vision would ever make me fall asleep, c'mon.


Karyn and I go to the fair and look at model houses. We are disappointed, contrary to our faces. What is this--a center for ants?! It needs to be... at least 3 times this big!


Maggie and I are about to go to Daniels wedding! Daniel Paul gone and got married. Him and Julie are perfect (yah, perfect) for eachother. I've never seen such a sweet wedding. I cried. Yes, I cried. I've never cried at a wedding before. This was just so beautiful. Can't really explain it more than that. Daniel's the first of the Logos class to get married! hah! So most of the Logos class went to his wedding in Wallowa Country (enterprise), Oregon for the day. The Moscow reception is Saturday, which I'm going to. Party party, hollah hollah. Flashing.... lights.
Maggije and I also have a tendency to look like fishes every so often. I can't help it, it's my zodiac. My face is determined by the planet's. I dont know her excuse.


Maggie and me and clouds. We have lots of picahs like dis. It's kind of a shared obsession. The sky, you know.


I don't really know why people take pictures of me when I contemplate things in foodlines. Like now.


Maggie. Her and her raybans. And her necklace. and Her laugh. Love it.




Don't mess with the best cuz the best will woop yo' ass!


We are all so happy to be on a road trip to the wedding.


On road trips we make our faces extra special.


Sometimes I make random decisions last minute-like to go make a retard of myself and go to a 90's party. Like in this picture, where I am wearing nothing 90's to fit in, so i just acted dumb (which I never did in the 90's) and wore my hair up high way and put a head band on, like I didn't do in the 90's. All the same, that's what I was at the 90's party. Only I was in control of the playlist. Perfect.
Stacey came too. This is a freshman (Hayley) who lives at the Menadiers (where I lived my Logos year), Stacey, and mua.
Mua. heh, sounds like a kiss. Nope, not the Latin kiss. I'll stop there.


Karyn and her sweater. Me and my face.


At the park there is sunshine and trees. I sometimes think about things at the park when its sunny and I am underneath trees. Hence.


Enjoying the last few days of sunshine at the park.

Dancing to the Beat of a Different Drum
or, Breathing Proof of Life After Death

So my brief (yet prolonged) state of metamorphases of pig human has ceased, more or less. Metaphorical oinking still happens every so often (coughing) but it gets less and less every day. Thank God Almighty I'm free at last, yo. Go ahead and envy me.
But I can't say my shakles are completely gone. The annoying thing is that once I was better (yes, I was better), people didn't believe me. I felt like Paul. I went through all this metaphysical troubles of being freed from my prison, and people didn't believe me. Either they were just way too happy, or they have a worse-than-Thomas log in their eye (not even seeing would make them believe), but either way I stood at their door and knocked and they came, looked through the peep hole, and ran away. I came knocking, and they did not answer. Oh well, I'll pop another cough drop and come calling next time, silver and gold have I none, but what I have I will give-- need a sugarless cough drop?

And so the beat goes on. Homework is out to kill me, NSA's own little mafia, but hey I hang out in allies and have friends in low places, and I will escape. Life is a bit altered, scheduling a bit more intense, and I have another wedding to go to on Saturday (hooray for holy matrimony) so my Friday and now Thursday will have to be more productive than they normally are. Pshaw. So people go dancing, I look at Latin slides. People climb roofs, I translate. People smoke, I read. It's how I roll, I dance to the beat of a different drum now. Make new friends, keep the old.

--Not many, but it's all the pictures I got new for you.--

Dont know if I already posted this. Me Becca Jen-- Baller Shock Collar.


Jen and me Picturesque.


Jen and me kickin it at Bucer's. Check out her face. Yah, tha's how we roll.

UPDATED.
Yar my pirate booty, I'm sick and have a headache and am freezing cold and yet also very warm so here are some picahs and then i be off to try to get warm.

I help make dinners.


I help eat dinners.


Rach and me. If she's not careful her face will stay that way.


Becca me and Mitch. About 8 of us went up the mountain when it was dark (and the moon was 98% full) and had Eagle Scout Tim build a fire. It was so cool! lova lova lova it. We had some UI girls come and they left before us so me Tucker and Mitch ran ahead of them and hid in the bushes on the side of the path. As the girls drove down me and Mitch sprung out and attacked their car.... omg omg omg that was AMAAAAZINGLY mean, we scared them silly. Then they kept driving and then Tucker does the same thing... throws himself on the car and rolls off... holy cow they screeeeeamed!! Awesome!! Yah we've been on a Zombie movie kick and had those girls come once so they were already scared; not that they are normally easy to scare or anything... Anyway, my life is kickin.


A new boyfriend or two:


Hallah hallah.


Me and part of Maggie. We climb rocks and jump off cliffs into water and live to take pictures after.


Becca Jen and me. Hardcore.


This is Jen. We are baller.

Breathing Deeply, Walking Backwards

Week 3 dawns. Life has been soooo good. Holy cow, I've had the most best days I've had in a long time. Chilling with friends, bbq's and fires, cliff jumping and roof falling. Who could ask for more? My new roomate is amazing too... the most naturally sweet girl ever. And not the annoying sweet. It's just delightful that's what. And life tatters on and I lurv it.

School is still difficult and Lord help me.

I'm going to Ian & Heather's wedding in a week! Woooooooooooooo

And I am drinking tea.

Picahs Daniel, here's some picas fo you. Sorry I dont got more/better ones, I have a severe lack of a camera, and a severe lack of people who give me their pictures.

What's dinner without a little studying on the side? Yes, we are drawing maps. It's part of this complete supper.


We went out to dinner. Rachel was right next to me but you can hardly see her. Tyler is a retard and leaned out. So did Brandon. Then Ashley, then Jen! Full circle of awesomeness yah.


This is at Grace's Bday. Grace is in the middle. She is older now. I have also gone to a birthday party this year.


My new roomate Deanna. She's the comprimise between Claire & I: Claire is Canadian, I am Dutch, Deanna is Canadian Dutch. This is her sleeping. Sometimes when we dont got time to sleep at night, we catch a few snores in the day. She sleeps with Augustine. I dont quite know what to think of that.


This is the traditional Sophomore/Freshmen Buck Buck game. It's a guy thing. You have a bottom layer of awkwardly close guys trying to be a sturdy foundation. Then other guys run real fast and jump on top of them, and they keep adding more kids on top until the bottom layer falls.


This is the school we go to. And this is Jill. She has no Jack.


Sometimes people just talk in the library. Emily and Jill do as well.


This is the back patio of the guys house (mitch anthony alec tim tucker)... they had a party there a week or so ago, in the middle is the portable fire pit that mitch got! Mmmmmarshmallows!


Oh Rachel. I spend sooo much time hanging out with her. We didn't really hang out or talk much last year, but then over the summer (she was in the retard latin summer classes with me) we hung out a lot, and now this year it's almost constant. So happy. And her little squeals of excitment and scrunches up her nose when she's really happy... so cute...


James and Jon at Bucer's. Bucer's is the coffee shop that I more or less frequent, and one that most NSA'ers live at. Soooo good. It is also good at taking away my money from me with a friendly face. Don't trust a h....er, coffee...


Here is kids in my class in a classroom. And the girl is Robin, with a flower in her hair. She has the cahraziest hair efah. We've had such freaking good times. It's always with her that I pull my super duper late nights... and it's with her that I pull all-nighters. The other week I stayed over at her house and slept outside in her hammock on her deck!! It was such an amazing experience... the last thing I saw was the stars, the first thing I saw was the sky. Anyway. This is a classroom, and kids in it.


Peace.

So Sophomore year has begun. It actually began last week, black robe and all. Yah, when we wear those "scholar robes" on Fridays, I feel like I should also have a hood and a candle, walk slowly and chant, "for the common good". But alas, I don't. Every Friday I wear that Harry Potter robe and sit and listen to a speaker. Alas.
That's about all the perks (hate that word) that my 2nd year of college gives me. Other than the fun-ness of watching the newbies, talking to them, and again watching with maybe some hanging out with the select ones. And then looking back and saying, "Yah that was hard, but it was just the beginning". Mhm, there is more. And I will live that.

In fact, I am on my 7th hour of almost straight Latin studying. 1 hr with a tutor, and then about 6 or 5.5 on my own or something radical like that. Will it pay off? It better. And oh yah, my classes start super early. Try... 7.30 today? and 8 o'clock other days? Yah, I tried that. Tried and so far succeeded, even if I have to pinch myself till I bleed on somedays to keep from sleeping in the chair at school.
Yes, I did do that. yesterday, in fact.

But also this year will be the funnest. We will party. School will be a party. After school will be a party. My mind will make everything a party. That way I like it all. And guess what! Parties go late at night too. Guess what?! So does school. So there. Q.E.D.

And guess what else.
It's only Wednesday tomorrow. And I live for the weekend, when the fun don't stop.
School is a bunch of theory and book learning.
But life still applies.
To every meta, there is a physical. Somewhere, somehow.
To every theory, there is practice.
Life still applies.

Yah that was random. But its late, and I'm super awake, and I have a ton to do before my eyes shut for a few (yes literally, a few) hours.

French. Je suis un croissant. I felt french today. Well, a Frenchman near the beach sort of French. No, not ON the beach. NEAR it. there is a difference. I wore a hat that like fell off my head. You know, that type. And even though I didn't wear blue & white stripes, I felt French. yes, yes I did.

Today I also talked to some weirdies in the park. They made me really happy. I like just going up to people and just talking and getting to know them. These were just some people in the park sitting the ground and picnic table playing the bongo thing and guitar and one was dreadlocking the others head and it was so great. New sort of circle. I enjoyed it. I will do it again. yes, yes i will.

Kids are getting back to Moscow. I am excited. I am going to have so much fun. I'm going to hang out with more of a wide variety of people this year. It will be so great. ALthough I went to Sam's goodbye party today, that was kinda sad, pushing him off to Spain you know. Maybe we will get a group to visit him and see Spain! I hope we can. yes, yes i do.

My teeth feel dirty. And I smell smokey. Cuz the Times they are a-changing... tra la la.

Am I excited for school to start? in a way, no way jose. Yes, I'm even speaking Spanish. Even though I feel French, I am speaking mexican. Yes, yes I am.
But, I in a way like this school so I will make it work. mmmhmm.

I am going to brush my teeth.

Bon au revoir! Jusqu'à la fois suivante, or however they spell/say it.

Things are going greatly. Latin isn't half as bad as I was expecting. It's me, 2 other girls in my class, and then some teachers/grad students wanting to be latin teachers.

Maybe it's because the contrast is so huge. I came here expecting to completely fail. I got here and (to my knowledge, tho not confirmed yet) did great on the first test, and am understanding things so much more this time around. It's amazing. The hardest thing about it is being here and having to pretend like I'm not. I can't hang out with anyone and I am invited to lots of things but I have to be lame and say no. I get lots of phone calls but no time to talk so I ignore them and feel really guilty. But in the end I hope everyone will understand.

So the final is on Friday.

and this squirrel says,



BRING IT ON.

I am off to the land of potatoes, the land of wheat fields, the land of no mountains. Yes, I'm off to Idaho again. The time has come that I go and try to finish up my term of failed latin. I've been studying and still I'm shakingly nervous and very not confidant. Straight off we take a test on Monday, and then the Final is on Friday. It is vitally important that I pass this. It will be a headache (to say the least. prolly more like a migraine) if this doesn't work.

Doomsday approaches.



Before latin crushes me (i'm sure you can put who is who in this picture), i bid thee adieu.

That box is probably not soft.

And the clock strucketh 2.

I depart unto myeth bedeth.

And to that blessed state of slumber, may it be-eth.

Amen.



mayeth this alsoeth be-eth unto-eth mea.

Beep-beep. Yes, I am that carrot. Beep-beep. That is the noise I make.

I'm on cruise control.

-Plugging your ears while delivering a baby is the same as plugging your ears while delivering a pizza, you have to use your elbows. And you can't hear anything. And you can't accept any tips-

Old Sweaters and Cold Feet

No, right now I am not reforming marriage. I am not even standing on the promises. I am unmotivated and cannot concentrate-- a new diagnosis of ADD. My mind is spinning like a rodent wheel but there is no hamster spinning it. Defect, waiting for the recall. But no, minds never get recalled. They either run out of batteries or get electricuted. Either way, mine is not working. Kind of like an old sweater. The kind you wear because sweaters are good to wear and you'd look odd not wearing one but it otherwise is quite useless. I wore one of those today... it was cold but it is a nice sweater. That is what my brain is. I have one, not because it works, but because I would look silly not carrying one around with me.

Socks, on the other hand, are fabulous. Not in a gay way. Tall socks pretty much rock the casbah. I am wearing some right now. Why? My feet are cold. They are covered with cloth now. The modern version of the fig leaf: to cover my shame.

Reforming Marriage has a picture of a couple asleep at a dinner table. I wish I were them. Or at least one of them, I dont think i'd like to be both. Sleep. Food. Both? Heaven. My crummy guitar is on the end of the couch-- heaven knows how much I wish I would make time to play that thing. I have found my pride issue-- it is so hard to lower myself to that thing. I want so bad to have my angel back. An angel among mortals. To hear its sound again, to behold its lovely form, to feel the smooth strings... oh, heaven. This indeed is true love. The kind that needs no Reformation, the kind that no sleep could keep you from.